Sure, any idiot can slap some butter and jam on some toasted bread and call it good, but only if they want to send the nearest OCD sufferer screaming from the room. The following instructions will ensure that your lovable obsessive-compulsive will enjoy his/her toast without getting the heebie-jeebies.
1. Toast bread. A medium setting is preferable. Set the darkness lever 0.56 inches to the right of “Light.”
2. When toast pops up, be ready! For proper results, the toast must be on the plate, ready to be buttered, within 0.4 seconds of toasting completion. Any longer and the bread will have begun to cool, making butter-meltage difficult, if not impossible.
3. Begin to butter toast. This is probably the most important step. Use thin slices of butter to ensure maximum meltage. Thick chunks of butter do not melt evenly and do not cover the bread correctly. For optimum butter distribution, all butter must be melted and evenly covering the bread, to within 0.0625 inches of the crust.
4. When butter is melted - and not before - spread jam. Ensure that jam coverage is uniform, not too thick and not too thin. It is acceptable to take excess jam from one slice and add it to another slice, particularly since it is not acceptable to have the amount of jam on differing slices of bread widely disparate.
And there you have it! OCD toast! And you thought it might be difficult, didn’t you?
Next time on Recipe Thursday, we’ll discuss the proper way to prepare and serve waffles.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
I followed you pretty closely until the jam. It simply has to be in piles… and chokecherry.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:27 am
I hope you realise I was taking notes …
May 8th, 2009 at 7:02 am
Montucky: oh, no, no, no! While I agree that chunks of jam are all right occasionally, non-uniform jam distribution is, for the most part, a bad thing.
May 8th, 2009 at 7:02 am
Chris: I hope I can be of service. Stay tuned!
May 8th, 2009 at 10:13 am
No, no, no - YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.
1.A. (same)
1.B. Place butter directly next to toaster.
2. (same)
3. Begin to butter toast. Butter will be softened, due to extreme heat of adjacent nuclear toaster. For optimum butter distribution, all butter must be melted and evenly covering the bread, to within 0.0625 inches of the crust.
4. Spread jam before that butter melts away, creating a delicious swirly mass of buttery-jammy goodness. Use fresh Blackberry Jam, or you’re a loser. Ensure that jam coverage is uniform, not too thick and not too thin. It is acceptable to take excess jam from one slice and add it to another slice, particularly since it is not acceptable to have the amount of jam on differing slices of bread widely disparate.
May 8th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I never thought of placing the butter next to the toaster. Brilliant! I’m feeling a unique combination of shame and gratitude at this point.
As for the jam/butter mix - perhaps with butter and honey, but not jam. Honey swirled/mixed with butter is awesome. Jam must be separate.
May 9th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Why such a huge gap between the butter border and the crust? And leave the jam in the jar.
May 9th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
In these contentious times, it’s heartwarming to see that people can actually engage in civilized discourse regarding such pressing matters.
My faith in humanity has been restored.
May 11th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Pinhole: While I can understand the attraction of non-jammed toast, in general, I must disagree. And butter spreading is, in this case, subject to personal interpretation.
May 11th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
BAiFP: Always glad to help, though I’d think that I’m the last person to come to for restoring faith in humanity.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I just realized I have OCD.
May 14th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Welcome to the club! We have perfectly lined-up chairs over there by the wall.