Irrelevant Cheetah

Am I the only one who is intimidated by the task of choosing shampoo?

I swear, I start to have an anxiety attack the moment I notice that the bottle is becoming lighter. “Crap!” I mutter, shaking the bottle. “Not another trip down that aisle…”

You see, I am never more lost and confused than I am when I’m choosing shampoo.

For some reason, the hair care aisle in the store is terribly overwhelming. There are too many choices for a normal, sane individual – not to mention me.

First I have to choose a brand – not an easy task. Suave says that I can’t tell the difference between it and spendy shampoo. Pantene apparently repairs the hair shaft as it cleans, acting like a miniature follicle mechanic. Then there’s Vidal Sassoon, Paul Mitchell, Fructose… The list just goes on and on. I’m ashamed to admit that many times my choice of brand is dependent on price, which means that my personal style is economically-derived – not the most socially-acceptable admission for me to make.

Suppose I’ve finally chosen my brand. Now I’m faced with the daunting task of deciding which sort of shampoo I want. The kind that makes your hair shiny? Perhaps. Moisturizing? Quite possibly. Volumizing? No, that one’s out. (If there’s one thing my hair doesn’t need, it’s to be “volumized.”) Apparently, according to one bottle, my hair is thirsty. I didn’t know that. I’m now feeling pressured into giving my hair a “thirst-quenching experience.” And I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I tried one of the specialized shampoos – you know, the ones for blonde hair or brunettes or redheads. I have brown hair. I wonder what would happen if I used the shampoo specially designed for blondes. Would my hair turn blonde? Would I get blonde highlights? Would I then need to make the curtains match the drapes?

I also want to know if (and why) the advertised results are exclusive. For some reason, I have to choose between “moisturizing” and “shiny.” So I guess I’m either going to have either dry, shiny hair, or moist hair that resembles latex paint. Apparently, I can’t have both. All I know is that I don’t want my hair to be dull and lifeless. Because even though I know that my hair is lifeless, it’s anything but dull. It’s forever cracking jokes and one-liners, keeping up its end up of the conversation. Honestly, it’s like having a party on my head, all day long, every day.

And then there’s the huge issue of brand matching: if I buy Pantene shampoo, do I need to buy Pantene conditioner? It recommends it on the bottle: For best results, use with Pantene brand conditioner and styling products. What if I don’t? Will there be some horrendous chemical reaction due to incompatible shampoo and conditioner ingredients? Will my head explode? Or worse – will I go bald? And for that matter, what are “best results,” anyway? What if I’m okay with sub-par results? I mean, really, my hair’s getting clean either way, isn’t it?

I suppose if I wanted truly sub-par results, I could clean my hair with a handful of rocks. That might solve the brand problem, though I can’t imagine it would do much for my dandruff. I could shave my head as well, but I’ve already determined that probably wouldn’t be a great idea.

So I suppose I’m stuck with choosing shampoo. If anybody’s got some Valium they’d be willing to share, I’d appreciate it.