Irrelevant Cheetah

You may remember my dog, Friday. He’s garnered some internet fame, what with a MySpace page and a published manifesto.

Well, in a fit of temporary insanity, it was decided he needed a playmate/sibling (one with fur, as opposed to the Offspring.) We don’t want him to get lonely when he’s by himself, and we figured another dog would keep him company and help him stay young, as he’s about eight years old and starting to enter his ‘senior’ years.

Enter Chloe, a really cute boxer mix, nine months old. She was a Craigslist find, and she’s been with us for a day or so, and she seems to be fitting in nicely. With the exception of having gas that could drop a rhino at fifty paces, she seems much more ladylike than Friday. Very quiet, unassuming, and obviously convinced that her looks should be enough to let her get away with anything, including jumping on all of the furniture.

But anyway, she’s a new dog, still fertile, and in need of shot records, etc. So, like all responsible pet owners, we made an appointment to get her spayed, all of her shots, an exam, the works. And one of the things the vet needs is a stool sample so they can check for parasites. The vet needs Chloe-poo.

Guess who gets to collect said poo?

Yeah, his name starts with a ‘w’ and it isn’t William Wallace or Winnie the Pooh.

And of course, now that we have two dogs, I can’t simply scout the backyard, find a candidate, and bag it. No, I have to follow the new dog around with a Ziploc bag at the ready. (For some reason, the image that comes to mind of me doing this is Secret Squirrel looking for footprints.) You see, not only do I have to make sure that it’s Chloe-poo, but it also has to be fresh.

Yes, it has to be warm and steaming.

I’ll let you digest that image for a bit.

Still with me? Good.

Not only does it need to be fresh and squishy, but the poo needs to get to the vet within twenty-four hours of… ‘deposit,’ or – get this – it needs to be refrigerated.

Yeah, I’m keeping that in my fridge.

Her appointment is Wednesday at 3:00, so if anybody needs me Wednesday morning, I’ll be in the backyard, on poo-patrol. Refrigerated samples are not available.