Irrelevant Cheetah

I was thinking about Superman’s origins the other day.

Specifically, I was thinking about his father. Tall…compassionate…genius…bearing a striking resemblance to Marlon Brando… As a leading scientist of Krypton, he must have been aware of the existence of hundreds – if not thousands – of alien races. He had access to technology that could store the Library of Congress on a postage stamp.

So what the hell made him choose Earth as a foster planet for his son?

I imagine it went something like this:

Lara: Oh, no, Jor-El! The planet is exploding! We have to save our son from certain doom!

Jor-El: That’s all right. I know just where to send little Kal-El. There’s this place called “Earth.”

Lara: Wait a minute. You told me about Earth. Didn’t they just crawl down from the trees? Like, less than a million years ago?

Kal-El: Well, yes, but –

Lara: And didn’t they just nail some poor guy to two sticks of wood because – and correct me if I’m wrong, here – he had the audacity to suggest that his species should quit killing each other?

Kal-El: Well, yes, but –

Lara: That’s what I thought. He’s not going. How about Beta Reticulus Prime, instead?

Kal-El: No, that’s no good. They’re a plant-based intelligence, and Kal-El is allergic to spinach.

Lara: So Epsilon Six, then.

Kal-El: Nope. The average size of an adult Epsilonian is six inches tall. He won’t fit in. Listen, Earth would be okay. It’s got a yellow sun.

Lara: Meaning?

Kal-El: He’ll be able to fly. He’ll be invulnerable. He’ll be like a god.

Lara: Didn’t the guy they nailed to a cross have some special powers, too? Fat lot of good it did him, didn’t it?

Kal-El: Look, Lara, Krypton is going to blow up any minute. We have to send him. Don’t worry – nothing will be able to harm him.

Lara: You’re sure?

Kal-El: The only thing that could possibly harm him would be if some pieces of Krypton became radioactive and managed to find their way to Earth, which is 56 gajillion miles away from here. What are the chances of that?

Lara: All right. Let’s send him. What are we going to send him in?

Kal-El: That’s the best part. See, I modified the dog’s travel carrier. He’ll hibernate the whole way there, not aging, and he’ll have enough water when he gets there!

You know, it probably wasn’t anything like that at all. Forget I said anything.