Irrelevant Cheetah

Some of you may not know this, but I have a lot of contacts in the movie industry. They know of my expertise in screenwriting, and are often asking me all sorts of questions and offering me advice, including “Would you like butter on that?” and “Sir, please put that thing away. This is a family movie.”

But I digress. Recently I went to see one of my industry insider buddies, and after sneaking past the security guards, I sat down and grilled him on the future of cinema. Well, first I grilled him for his PIN and his smoked salmon recipe, and then I grilled him about cinema.

As an informed consumer and movie-goer, like me, you may have noticed the current trend of turning video games into feature films – games like Resident Evil, Silent Hill, and Steel Magnolias. Well, my contact assured me that this trend will continue. As (name withheld) put it, “What? Write something new, with a fresh storyline? I don’t have time for that! I’ve got to reach level 5 gazillion on Grand Theft Auto IV. Now get out! Go watch Alvin & the Chipmunks again!” (It shows how important somebody is if they can actually speak in roman numerals. And pronouncing the ampersand is also tremendously difficult.)

Because he was so rude, I feel compelled to share with you the industry secrets he involuntarily passed along to me while he was raiding the candy machine down the hall. Mark your calendars: The following blockbusters are coming soon to a theatre near you.

That last one looks like a blockbuster to me.

(This is cross-posted over at Burt’s Mustache.)