Irrelevant Cheetah

A recent post of mine and its related comments brought to light the fact that almost all of us are unwilling and/or unable to throw away our socks.

Any rational human being would have to agree that there is only one explanation for this unusual aversion: evolution.

Yes, somewhere written in our genetic code is a piece of instruction that tells us not to throw away our socks. Somehow, back in the mists of time, our very survival must have depended on us keeping our socks at all costs.

I have a good idea when that time was. Somewhere between Piltdown Man and Cro-Magnon man, sandwiched in the Paleolithic era, was Homo Pedicurus, or Argyle Man.

Argyle Man was unique in our lineage. Not quite as adept at tool-making as his successor, Cro-Magnon, he was nevertheless quite skilled at making warm foot covers from whatever materials he had at hand, be they reeds or saber-toothed tiger furs. However, the construction of these foot covers was time- and labor-intensive, and because they contributed to a good night’s sleep and helped prevent injury from stepping on pointy things, it was imperative that these foot covers be kept at all costs, regardless of their condition. The sock-maker of the clan was revered as a shaman, and if you damaged or lost your socks, it was just as likely that you would be fed to a hungry cave-bear as it was that he would make you a new pair.

Thus, our sock-stocking (that is, the hoarding of socks) behavior originated and was bred into our very DNA. I know that for a time the art of sock-making was lost, but the genetic instructions remained, waiting to be reactivated at the first sign of a stocking or even a relatively soft slipper.

But we are better than our genetic instructions. Just as we no longer flee when we hear a twig snap in the distance, so we should no longer hoard our socks. Join me! Rise above your roots! Trash your socks!