The Offspring and I were enjoying our dinner (Mom had to work late) when he looked at me quizzically.
“Dad? What part of the chicken does steak come from?”
“It’s not from chicken, buddy,” I answered. “Steak comes from cows.”
It took a moment, but then his eyes grew wide as he realized the implications of this statement. “You mean,” he said, “I’m eating a cow?” On cue, his mouth opened, his tongue extended, and the half-chewed piece of steak was ejected onto his plate.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him. “Does that bother you? How come?” Meanwhile, my brain was spinning furiously. Is it that cartoon he watches, with the talking cow? Is he thinking of the cows on the animal shows on TV? How many vegetarian recipes do I know?
“It just does,” he said, looking at his plate as if it were covered with live botfly larvae.
Unable to contain myself, I blurted out, “You know, hamburger is cow, too.” This, of course, is another example of my innate intelligence stepping out for a drink just when I need it the most. If ever we don’t know what to feed him, we know that a hamburger is a foolproof fallback. My perfect sense of timing, along with my inability to keep my mouth shut, might have just ruined that, too.
Horror washed over his face, and he reached for his milk. “I don’t want to be eating cow penis!”
Luckily, my brain returned from being AWOL, and I managed to explain to him that steak comes from other parts of cows, and that nobody else would want to eat cow penis either, and though we had a short issue with cow buttocks, that too was resolved quickly.
Tonight I think we might be having a salad.
Humor-blogs.com prefers filet mignon.
April 15th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Ohhh, I had a moment like this as a child, too. I pretty much refused to eat anything that came from an animal. My parents didn’t handle it as eloquently as you did though and just blatantly lied to me about what came from animals and what didn’t. I’m still recovering from the lies.
(PS - WordVixen sent me to your site! Very enjoyable!)
April 15th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Actually, there are parts of the world where bull penis (and testes) are considered to be quite a delicacy, and to turn them down should you be offered them would be gravely offensive to the host.
It’s also a short hop from cow buttocks to human buttocks, which are occasionally still consumed, despite being outlawed, in places like Papua New Guinea.
Eat your vegetables!
April 15th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Colleen: nice to see you around here! As for lying to the boy, I can’t do that anymore. He takes everything I say with a grain of salt, thanks to me telling him things like “I was born with three arms, but the doctors removed the third arm when I was about your age.”
Go figure.
April 15th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Heidi: I know that if I was going to eat some human, the buttocks is probably where I would start. I don’t know, however, how much of a ’short hop’ it is from cow to human buttocks.
I guess if somebody had to go there, I’m glad it was you.
April 15th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
I don’t supposed you’ve talked to him about the “testicle festival” that’s held every spring just east of Missoula either, have you?
April 16th, 2008 at 2:25 am
While you’re munching on your salads, I’d stay away from any talk about pistils and stamens.
April 16th, 2008 at 3:25 am
Don’t girl cows eat cow penis?
If not, can someone PLEASE explain to me what cud is? Because now I seriously lost.
April 16th, 2008 at 4:27 am
ummm why did he think it was penis? do you typically serve genitals or other animals in your house?
(aside: when I was 8 some friends of my parents tried to get me to eat “rocky mountain oysters” lucky I broke one in half and refused it because the inside was bright yellow. or maybe not lucky for me — perhaps cow balls are delicious and I’m missing out…)
April 16th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Montucky: no, there are no plans to discuss that festival or others like it. Ignorance is bliss in this case.
April 16th, 2008 at 6:28 am
Pinhole: how is it that you can turn a healthy salad into an XXX-rated feast of the senses? Can you teach me?
April 16th, 2008 at 6:31 am
moooooog: if they do, it’s not broadcast on Animal Planet. As for cud, well, let’s just say it’s good for what ails ya.
April 16th, 2008 at 6:33 am
Brianna: he’s been on a ‘penis’ kick for about a week, and throws it into casual conversation whenever possible. If I were to try that, I’d get fired.
Hmmmmm.
Oh, and if you check Heidi’s comment, above, you’ll see that you were indeed missing out, and you may have deeply offended your parents’ friends.
April 19th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Ask him why chicken penis is better.
Malcolm
April 28th, 2008 at 8:14 am
As a farm girl (and longtime member of 4-H), I think it’s important to note that a COW doesn’t have a female. Cow is a reference to a female. You were probably eating steer, and about 90% of beef comes from castrated male animals (aka steer).
April 28th, 2008 at 8:15 am
I mean a cow doesn’t have a penis.
April 28th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Ah, but doesn’t a castrated steer still have the penis, just not the testicles?
Good to know, though - thanks. I may have to inform him that his hamburger was penis-less.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Yes, a steer has a penis, but no testes.