Irrelevant Cheetah

Having observed these beautiful creatures in their natural habitat for quite some time, I feel compelled to share what I have learned about them.

The Common Internet Blog, or Bloggus Internetalia, hereafter referred to as ‘the blog,’ first appeared on the landscape several years ago. After some time settling in to the local ecosystems, there was a population explosion among the species, and they seem to be here to stay. With no natural predators, the only hindrances to their continued existence seem to be overpopulation, starvation (see below) and evolution; death of the less intelligent blogs is considered to be not only necessary, but a favorable circumstance.

The range of the Bloggus covers all seven continents. There are many subspecies, the most common including the ‘mommy’ blog, the ‘author’ blog, and the ‘emo kid ranting about how much the world sucks’ blog. Species-specific markings and behaviors are quite varied, ranging from humor to angst. While misspellings and poor grammar are by no means uncommon, they can have the (often desirable) effect of shortening a blog’s lifespan.

Mating Season

Although the blog is by nature a solitary creature, it does occasionally attempt to attract others of its species, sometimes for mating purposes and sometimes merely to socialize. It goes about attracting others of its kind in several different ways. Joining social groups such as blogcatalog is a common tactic. Often, in what seems to be an attempt to ‘pretty itself up,’ the blog will place ‘widgets’ on its sidebar. It will also give ‘awards’ to other blogs, a practice which may lead to mutual preening and displays of affection. Despite many hours of research, I have yet to see the birth of an infant blog. They seem to almost spring into existence fully formed. Since this is, obviously, biologically impossible, further research is needed in this area.

Groups

Although blogs can be isolated, they can (and often do) congregate in herds. The two biggest blog herds on the planet are the Blogspot herd and the Wordpress herd. Having seen both of these groups, I can attest to the fact that there is nothing quite like seeing these majestic herds of animals thundering across the plains. Smaller herds are also in evidence, such as the Facebook and the Livejournal herds, and there are a good many blogs that eke out a lonely existence, far from others of their kind.

Death

Blogs must, like all other creatures, eventually die. While there seems to be no agreed-upon lifespan of a blog, two to five years is not uncommon. It is, perhaps, too early to tell, since the species itself is rather young. Death can be caused by many things, but the most common cause seems to be lack of the blog’s main sustenance – comments. A blog can subsist without comments for quite some time, but at some point it unfailingly weakens and dies.

Research

While some blog-research organizations such as technorati.com have sprung into existence, making classification and study much easier, I was able to perform most of these observations while posing as the blog’s main food source – a comment. While the main group of my research subjects appears in my list of references on the left, I feel I must thank specifically a few of the animals with whom I have managed to form a special bond of trust. Montana Outdoors, Pinhole and WordVixen are unique and hopefully long-lived members of the species. The Ominous Comma and Mattress Police seem to be quickly leading their respective groups in new directions, though whether those directions are valid remains to be seen. This study was financed by the sale of day-old sweat socks and used moose-girdles, which may say something about the results.

Humor-blogs.com may help to ensure the survival of the species, but then again, it may not.