If I was a Starfleet officer, and I happened to be stationed in the transporter room, it would be the greatest thing ever. For one thing, I would never have to use the bathroom again.
Here’s how my internal dialogue would go:
Hmmm. I have to make a poopy. But nobody’s around, and my relief isn’t due for another two hours. Ha ha ha! I said ‘relief’! That’s funny! Isn’t that funny? Yeah, that’s funny. I’m a funny dude. Didn’t they say ‘dude’ way back in the twentieth century? I think they did, along with ‘awesome’ and ‘internet’ and –
Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah. The potty problem. I still have to go. I’ll just do what I did last time. Damn Rigellian snails go right through me, I swear.
Lessee… set transporter to ‘fecal material.’ I must remember to transport it behind the ship this time. Last time I forgot and transported it ahead of us, and it splattered all over the viewscreen. Nothing like frozen poo hitting the forward sensors at warp seven. Man, was Captain Kirk pissed. Ha ha ha! I said ‘pissed’! That’s funny! Isn’t that funny?
Okay, coordinates set… and… energize!
Then I would resume my duty, fresh and relieved. I would probably share this trick with my fellow crewmembers during a drink in our quarters, and it would catch on, and before long Starfleet would quit installing toilets in starships. Of course, the bottom would then fall out of the toilet paper market, since the United Federation of Planets would be a major purchaser of assorted toiletries, but it would be a small price to pay, I think.
This post is transporting its unmentionables over to humor-blogs.com.
February 22nd, 2008 at 2:02 pm
You thaid, “Bottom fall out”…heh, heh, heh.
February 22nd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Ah - you caught that, I see. Worth a chuckle, I thought.
February 22nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I have to admit you have elevated potty humor to a much higher level.
February 22nd, 2008 at 7:48 pm
You think? I was just trying not to lower it. You have to admit - transporting your bowel movements would be cool.
February 22nd, 2008 at 10:18 pm
You could beam it into enemy vessels, kind of a shot across the stall as it were.
February 22nd, 2008 at 10:45 pm
You disturb me greatly. I like that in a person!
February 23rd, 2008 at 9:49 am
BrentD: I hadn’t thought of that. Can you imagine a steaming pile of Klingon crap materializing on the bridge? Classic!
“Shot across the stall.” Ha!
February 23rd, 2008 at 9:52 am
wordvixen: Why, thank you! Glad to be the one to disturb your day! My bill is in the mail.
February 25th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
I’m just seeing an opportunity for a whole new level of “biological warfare”…
February 26th, 2008 at 7:44 am
I’d be afraid of the transporter activating while I’m still doing my business. That’s why I have such a wide stance.
February 26th, 2008 at 10:25 am
MD: Yes, that’s where Brent’s idea of the “shot across the stall” comes into play.
February 26th, 2008 at 10:26 am
diesel: I think you missed the point. You see, the idea is that you transport the stuff directly out of your intestines, thus avoiding ‘doing your business’ - and the subsequent cleanup - altogether.