Irrelevant Cheetah

911 Call Transcript

Operator: 911 – what’s your emergency?

Caller: Omigod! It’s… it’s… a snowman!

Operator: Excuse me?

Caller: Look, this is going to sound really (censored), but there’s a snowman running around the front yard, chasing the kids around with a broom or somethin’!

Operator: A snowman?

Caller: Yeah! I ain’t kidding!

Operator: Sir, have you had anything to drink tonight?

Caller: No! I swear! Listen to me! There’s a (censored) snowman chasing the kids! Can’t you hear them screaming?!

Operator: And how is he chasing them, sir? Does he have legs?

Caller: No! He’s a (censored) snowman, for chrissakes! He’s (censored) levitating, man!

Operator: Sir, I want you to stay right where you are, all right? I have officers en route.

Caller: Please! For God’s sake, just hurry! There must have been some magic in that old (garbled)

Police Report

9:34 P.M. Arrived at 2234 Wildbrook Lane. Had to forcefully slam on brakes to avoid running into white male, approx. 6 feet tall, 230 lbs, who had run into road in order to get our attention. Upon stopping, I had to sternly remind individual to step away from the vehicle.

Once he did so, Officer Wilson and I were able to exit the vehicle and appraise the situation. The individual introduced himself as Roger Smythe (sp?) and began babbling frantically some sort of story about a snowman and the fact that his kids had found some sort of hat.

It was at that point that Officer Wilson and I observed a white figure, approx. 5 feet tall, giving chase to three children – two boys and a girl. The figure seemed to be costumed, as he could only be described as a snowman. The children were running around in circles, and the costumed figure was close behind. Figure was wielding a broom in a threatening manner, and method of locomotion was impossible to determine.

Officer Wilson and I commanded the figure to stop, only to be ignored. After some repeated threats, I made the decision to fire upon the suspect, once the children were not in the line of fire. Bullets entered the suspect and seemed to pass through with no effect, as we observed bullet holes appearing in the house behind the suspect.

9:53 P.M. Children had managed to escape inside the house, and Officer Wilson and I had taken cover behind the cruiser. Repeated gunshots had no effect on the suspect, who continued to circle the front yard of 2234 Wildbrook in what can only be described as a threatening manner. Unsure of next move – radioed for backup.

10:14 P.M. Fire Unit 12 arrived on scene. Officer Wilson immediately suggested that turning the fire hose on the suspect might render him temporarily immobile and allow us to take custody. Communicated this to Unit 12.

10:18 P.M. Unit 12 opened valves and commenced to fire a strong stream of water at suspect. Rather than knocking him to the ground, however, the suspect apparently melted. After maintaining a stream of water for 30 seconds or so, Unit 12 discontinued. Nothing remained of suspect save a carrot, three pieces of coal, and an old top hat.

10:42 P.M. CSI arrived on scene and was unable to locate any trace of suspect.

This post is singing carols out of tune over at humor-blogs.com.