Irrelevant Cheetah

The ESC (Evil Soul-sucking Corporation) where I work is extremely safety-oriented, almost (in my opinion) to the point of absurdity. I have actually received instructions concerning How To Walk Down Stairs. I believe the topic of the Safety Meeting this month is Avoiding Papercuts While Tying Your Shoes.

In keeping with this Keep Our Workers Safe mission, the ESC long ago instituted the RIR program, which stands for Risk Identification Report. Basically, all employees are required to identify safety risks around home and the workplace and report a certain number of them every year, along with possible solutions and prevention measures. While I am not privy to reading the final reports, I can only imagine that they are full of things such as “The roof is leaking around cubicle 27-A, creating a slippery spot that could cause an injury-producing fall.”

Not that the RIRs are ever that obvious. It’s a stone-cold fact that were something that inherently dangerous to actually occur around here, employees would be scrapping over the RIR rights to it like squirrels fighting over a brazil nut. Rather, RIRs are more along the lines of “The lock is sticking on the front door to our building, creating the possibility that someone could break off their key in the lock.” Exciting, dangerous stuff.

Because I don’t actually work for the ESC, but am instead a contractor, I am exempt from the RIR requirement. However, I’ve been feeling left out, so I thought I’d write up a few RIRs and report them here.

Possibility of a singularity in the office refrigerator.

Quantum mechanics quite clearly states that because we can never know both the position and speed of an elementary particle at any particular time, it is quite possible for a black hole to form in the fridge, right next to the bean dip and that slice of pizza that nobody wants to claim. Not probable, perhaps, but entirely possible. The dangers that this could create include massive office implosions, visiting Hell, and creating a field-trip destination for something unspeakably evil (see Event Horizon, starring Sam Neill and Laurence Fishburne.)

Possibility of being chopped up into soup

As a matter of fact, the lock on the front door is a tad bit sticky. If an employee were to be frantically fleeing from the serial killer possibly hiding out in the parking lot, s/he would most likely be caught and messily killed while trying to turn the key in the lock.

Possibility of arterial bleeding

The shiny jagged metal-tooth thing that is used to tear off pieces of Scotch tape is sharp. Trust me on this one – it hurts. Enough so that I used italics in the last two sentences. Get the idea? I’m not fooling around on this one. Were I to attempt to tear off a piece of tape with my elbow (not that I would, but someone might – I’m just sayin’…) it’s entirely possible that the metal-tooth thing could slice right through the brachial artery on the inside of my arm. The resulting loss of blood could not only be fatal, but might attract vampires.

Possibility of vampire attack

See above

Possibility of hyperekplexia epidemic

Working here at ESC requires me to type, read, think and interact with others, all while remaining conscious. While remaining conscious is inherently a safe activity (see Nightmare on Elm Street,) typing, reading, thinking and interacting all require the use of neurons which might otherwise be put to use finding a cure for hyperekplexia. Without my undivided attention to this pressing problem, an epidemic might be forthcoming. I propose paid leave with travel expenses.

Hopefully this list of dangerous situations will enable me to play a part, however small, in the safekeeping of ESC employees. Wherever you are and whatever you do, Stay Safe!®