Reaching one hundred blog posts seems to be some sort of milestone in the blogosphere, and it appears that I have reached it. I suppose posting one hundred times shows that you’re dedicated, you’re in this for the long haul, and you have completely lost any sense of dignity you may have once possessed.
In celebration of this milestone, I contacted my old friend, Dr. Horace Werberjensen. He’s Swedish, if you hadn’t guessed, and he’s the guy I go to with my serious scientific questions when I need a reliable source, especially now that the restraining order has expired. I wanted to do a Serious Scientific Investigation into the following pressing problem:
What exactly makes a picture “cute?” In other words, what’s with this lolcats phenomenon?
After looking at such websites as Cuteoverload and DailyDoseofCute, sometimes for as long as twenty minutes at a time, we determined that along with a curious lack of spaces in their domain names, cute pictures shared the following characteristics:
The subject of the photograph must be furry, as per this example:
The subject of the photograph must have large, dark eyes, as per this example:
The smaller the subject, the better, and if babies are involved, much more cuteness is exuded:
More than one subject is better than only one subject:
With all of these factors in mind, Dr. Werberjensen and I set out to do a serious experiment. The goal? To see if we could artificially create such a picture in the lab, under carefully controlled conditions. Ideally, the subject of this picture would be yours truly, thus increasing my photogenic qualities and making me extra cute. Also, all of the above rules would be followed, in order to obtain Maximum Cuteness.
Thus, we retired to the shed lab, and after I moved the snow tires and bicycles, we got down to business. It was difficult to tear ourselves away to eat, and we subsisted solely on beer and pizza while we worked feverishly on this experiment. I’ll never forget the flashes of light and the smell of burnt earwax as we worked through the night, only stopping when nature called or when an episode of “Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Tryouts” was on TV.
Finally, we emerged victorious. Dr. Werberjensen and I have, at great personal cost to both our wallets and our earwax, done the impossible. We have created a picture that is so Incredibly Cute that I fear that posting it here might be tantamount to second-degree assault, as several of my readers may become comatose in diabetic shock. Not only that, but my wife may be forced to beat off hordes of female admirers with a stick, since we managed to make me, your humble blogger, the subject of the picture.
Nevertheless, true science requires sacrifice. Perhaps, in this case, more from you than from me. Dear reader, I hereby offer you the Cutest Picture on the Internet:
I know, I know: if you’re still conscious and reading this, you’re speechless. I understand. It takes a little while to sink in. Feel free to sit back and let the Cuteness wash over you, taking your troubles and cares with it. And you’re welcome.
*Author’s note #1: No kittens were harmed in the making of this picture.
*Author’s note #2: In all seriousness, thanks to all of you for reading and commenting on my stuff. There’s more to come, I promise.
October 23rd, 2007 at 4:24 am
Oh Great! I just showed Gwendolyn your photo…now, who’s going to clean this up?!
October 23rd, 2007 at 7:34 am
Sorry Gwendolyn’s not feeling well. You know, Dr. Werberjensen and I have been working on a carpet cleaning machine that would work across state lines. However, there were some “issues” during our last test. I can’t say much, but the court order currently in effect prohibits us from conducting any more tests until Mrs. McNeady’s flower bushes grow back.
October 23rd, 2007 at 4:17 pm
Dude, that is some creepy sh!t.
October 23rd, 2007 at 4:38 pm
I hope the offspring hasn’t seen this.
October 23rd, 2007 at 5:37 pm
Pizza is pizza, but what brand of beer was that?
October 23rd, 2007 at 6:19 pm
wordvixen: It does my heart good to hear you say that, although I didn’t hear you say it, I read it, and you didn’t say it, you typed it. “Creepy” is exactly what I was going for.
October 23rd, 2007 at 6:20 pm
Heidi: Don’t worry - I was under strict orders not to let the offspring see it.
October 23rd, 2007 at 6:23 pm
Montucky: I don’t remember where exactly the beer came from. I do remember that it tasted a little funny, and after it got dark outside, we used the greenish glow of the cans to see. Was it Three Mile Brewery?
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:05 pm
All I can say is that our house is never boring. I do apologize, Ihave always told him I married him to save the rest of the world and well I must have fallen asleep during this little escapade. School will be over in 2wks and I will be able to keep a better watch on what he is trying to get away with!
October 24th, 2007 at 7:18 am
Wow, Wolf. You are right… I am speechless.
And Rebecca, I’m VERY glad to hear that your schedule will allow you to be around more often.
October 24th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Wolf- and succeed you did!
Rebecca- We all appreciate your sacrifice more than you can possibly know. However, we also marvel at your stamina.
October 24th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
Um. Wow. Speechless is right. But I do have to ask. Did you use the earwax on your hair? And, was it burnt before or after application?
October 24th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
believin: Mission accomplished!
October 24th, 2007 at 6:55 pm
wordvixen: I’m actually pretty easy to watch. Just keep me away from sharp objects, and everything is hunky-dory.
October 24th, 2007 at 6:59 pm
MissPriss: I’m sorry, but I can’t divulge the secrets of our experiment. Suffice it to say that I can now hear a gnat fart at fifty paces.
October 24th, 2007 at 9:53 pm
It’s repulsive, yet fascinating…
October 25th, 2007 at 8:00 am
Good to see you again, Laurie Anne. Not too fascinating, I hope…
December 12th, 2007 at 9:37 am
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