I don’t know if there’s an afterlife. I don’t know if we get reincarnated, or if we go sit on a shiny cloud and play the harp, or if we end up playing bocce ball with the Great Crocodile God for all Eternity, or at least until he runs out of pipe tobacco. It’s such a weird journey being alive that I can only imagine how much weirder it could get when you’re no longer burdened by little things such as eating and breathing.
However, I think it’s good to have goals, and there’s no reason your goals should die when you do. In other words, I’ve thought about it, and I’ve come up with a few things I’d like to do when I die.
First of all, if it’s an option, I’d like to go haunt somewhere. Perhaps a Laundromat, or – even better – the local pub. No quietly being deceased for me! I plan to make noise and knock things over and generally misbehave in the most spiritual sense. Peanuts will placate me, as will draft beer, but only for a short time. Then it’s back to flipping light switches and goosing the waitresses.
I’m also resolved to be a well-dressed ghost. No ratty T-shirts and sweat pants for me. No, I’ll probably sport a tailored tuxedo on my nightly excursions. I’d like to be taken seriously as a ghost, and we all know that the clothes make the phantom.
And finally: I’d really like to screw with the psychics, I think. When somebody finally calls the Travel Channel to investigate after seeing me playing Skee ball with my head one too many times, I think I could really have fun with Sylvia Longbottom or whoever shows up, camera crew in tow.
TV psychic: “Yes… Yes… I’m getting an image, now. I see a man behind the bar. He’s not only devilishly handsome, but he’s also very smartly dressed. I’m getting the impression he’s wearing a tuxedo, but he’s also… Yes, he’s also wearing flippers. And a diving mask.”
Then I’ll scream at the top of my (ectoplasmic) lungs that I’m merely testing to see if Verizon wireless can still “hear me now” from the other side of the grave.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:08 am
You have some pretty cool ideas, certainly worthy of some thought, although I think I’d prefer the outdoor afterlife myself. I’ve been considering spending at least half of my time on the high country trails, although I do have a few ideas for experimenting with California’s power grid that should prove to be amusing, and I think a good haunting of the halls of Congress has some potential, especially if it’s done with a much higher level of humor that those who are now haunting it possess.
September 17th, 2007 at 11:24 am
Yes, outdoor afterlife does have a certain appeal, I’ll agree with you there. But listen to yourself, montucky: “Congress” + “higher level of humor”? I think Daffy Duck could outwit most of them, even without Bugs’ help.
I do like the idea of stalking the House, though, naked and carrying Whoopee cushions…
September 18th, 2007 at 4:28 am
Should you decide that haunting is really the way to go, I would suggest you use some form of ‘Spook-agra’…might help keep your spirits up.
September 18th, 2007 at 8:51 am
Something like Cialis might do the trick, too. You know, Cialis… See-all-us… because I’d be a ghost and difficult to see…
(cue cricket noises)
September 19th, 2007 at 7:42 am
Good stuff, wolf. This reminds me of a character in Jasper Fforde’s novels, Spike. He’s really afterlife-savvy. You’d like him, I think.
September 19th, 2007 at 7:46 am
Believin! Long time no see! Good to see you here. I’ve never heard of Mr. Fforde, but now I think I might have to look into him. Thanks for the tip.
September 21st, 2007 at 7:52 pm
Hi again, wolf. I’ve been sadly out of commission for much of the year as regards good blogging — a heavy teaching schedule being the main culprit keeping me away from things. I am getting back into the swing of things now, and have just started a new blog at my own place. I hope to be able to stop in more frequently now and read the sites of bloggers I’ve come to know and enjoy. So, if you thought you were rid of me… think again!