My name is Wolf, and I have seen horrors. Unspeakable horrors that continue to visit me in my dreams. These visions will haunt me until my dying day – of this I am sure. I feel compelled to inscribe all I have seen on this digital page, to warn others of the perils that follow.
The offspring had a birthday this past week, and we held his party on Saturday. Remember that age-old image we all have of Dad sitting under the Christmas tree at 3 AM on Christmas morning, cursing as he tried to assemble a bicycle? Well, I believe that archetype is destined to fall by the wayside. It will be replaced, I predict, by the new archetype of Dad sitting under the Christmas tree until 3 PM on Christmas Day, struggling to get the kids’ presents out of the box.
One of the birthday presents, for example, was a set of two die-cast Transformers figures, each about six inches tall. In the process of removing them from the packaging, I counted no less than twenty-three twist-ties. And I’m not talking about the wimpy, we’ll-keep-your-bread-fresh-tra-la-la twist-ties. No, I’m talking about industrial strength twist-ties. These were twist-ties on steroids. These were twist-ties that would make a lesser man whimper and reach for the liquid courage (hey, it was hot, and I was thirsty, okay?)
Seriously – the toy companies are wasting their talents. Their packaging skills could be put to much better use elsewhere. You know the problems NASA is having lately with the insulating foam coming off of the booster rocket tanks on the space shuttle? That problem could be solved with a single visit to the Mattel world headquarters. I have a feeling the conversation would go something like this:
Mattel: Look, I don’t know how we can help you guys. We build toys. We don’t know anything about space travel.
NASA: You don’t need to. We just need you to package our booster tanks as if they were for sale.
Mattel: Oh! I see! Not a problem! We’ll get the guys in packaging and securing right on it! That foam won’t be going anywhere!
After they were done solving NASA’s problems, Mattel could move on to designing restraint systems for NASCAR, and then possibly delve into security systems for places like the Smithsonian, or the Tower of London where the Crown Jewels are kept.
I might write to them and suggest a move in that direction. In the meantime, however, I’m going to sit here and try to get the horrible images of wire and plastic out of my mind before I try to sleep again.
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