Deep within the depths of Mount Disturbing, you are imprisoned. You have traveled far, through the perils of the Lint Trap Jungle, and have managed to infiltrate the underground lair of Dr. Nichtsogut, the evil genius bent on taking over the world and broadcasting Newlyweds reruns non-stop. However, you stupidly walked into a trap he had baited with tapioca pudding and a back issue of Omni magazine, and now you are hanging helplessly twenty feet above a pool of sharks. Hungry sharks. With lots of pointy teeth.
Struggling mightily, however, you manage to free yourself and escape the Shark Room, and utilizing a combination of secret ninja moves and a plethora of witty one-liners you locate the shut-off switch to his Doomsday Device. Just as the conveniently-placed timer is about to reach 00:00:00, you reach for the switch. At that precise moment, however, you brush a strategically-placed platypus on the control panel. Immediately your throat swells up, preventing you from breathing, and you collapse to the floor, unconscious and thus unable to witness the destruction of the world’s collective I.Q.
How many times has the aforementioned scenario happened to you? If you’re like me, it’s never happened to you, but you worry about it constantly. (On a side note, if you’re like me, you’re probably plagued by a host of other problems, for which I am deeply, deeply sorry.)
Other problems aside, however, you can avoid this situation. At great personal expense, I have created Allergall™. At further great personal expense I expect to come up with a better name.
To put it simply, Allergall™ will tell you about all of your allergies. If you do happen to be allergic to platypus dander, this miracle product will tell you so, before that knowledge (or lack thereof) could adversely affect your ability to deactivate Dr. Nichtsogut’s Doomsday Device. Just think what a difference a Benadryl™ tab in your secret agent fanny pack could have made in this situation. (On another side note, if you’re still wearing a fanny pack, then you have no business trying to save the world. Let’s get your fashion sense out of the ‘80s first and get you into a first-class Batman-style utility belt.)
If you’re like me (once again, I apologize) a good portion of your day is spent wondering about all of the things you might be allergic to. Platypus dander? I don’t know. Albatross down? Your guess is as good as mine. But now, with Allergall™, you need wonder no more! Using state-of-the-art technology and really tiny needles, this product will introduce into your system the possibly-allergic-reaction-causing substances from no less than 150,000 different kinds of animals and almost that many plants. Once histamine formation in your body begins, the (patent-pending) stainless steel helmet (googly eyes not included) will analyze your reactions (read: sneezes) and determine your probable allergen level, as well as the probable cause. Probably.
So order now! Against my better judgment, this product is compatible with all versions of Windows, except that stupid Vista™ nonsense. New plug-and-play technology encourages ease of use, and if you act now, allergens from any future animal discoveries will be sent to you at no charge.
So, before you save the world: Allergall™!
June 29th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
I just filled out an order form and will anxiously await delivery.
Wolf, that was great. The most fun read I’ve seen in years!
June 29th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Glad you liked it. It’s on its way, I promise. Just remember, all it does it let you know you’re allergic - you still have to take the Benadryl.
June 29th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
*turning out pockets* Is it available in 4 easy payments?
June 29th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Why, yes it is, young lady! I accept Visa, Mastercard, and first-born children, as long as they are missing vocal chords. (Mute children are not only quieter, but useful in saving the world.)
June 30th, 2007 at 5:45 am
I was enthralled and paralyzed with fear, until I got to the point where the trap was “baited with tapioca pudding”. Nobody would fall for that.
I’m not aware of any allergies, but to be on the safe side you’d better send me a trial packet.
June 30th, 2007 at 9:28 am
Ah, a man immune to the creamy charms of tapioca. I must remember that. I can send a trial version, but just know that it doesn’t include allergens from any bipeds. So if you’re allergic to spider monkeys, for example, you’ll remain blissfully unaware.