Irrelevant Cheetah

I am walking a little funny this morning.  There are places on my body that are not bending the way they should, and there are other places that aren’t supposed to bend that are flopping like overdone spaghetti.

Like many Americans, my wife and I are attempting to get back in shape. Having the outside temperature at below-freezing levels for six months out of the year does not bode well for fitness levels. Now that spring is here, we are planning hikes and camping and bike rides – in other words, enjoying the Alaskan outdoors.

In order to do these things without being reduced to a quivering puddle of wolf-jello, it is necessary to get into shape, and my wife helpfully suggested Pilates. Winsor Pilates, to be exact. “It’s what all of the celebrities use to stay fit,” she said cheerfully, with an evil glint in her eye. “Come on – it’ll be fun.”

Now, if any of you out there are snickering, snicker away. You obviously have not experienced the pure Evil that is this exercise routine. The bright and chipper blonde presenter lady (whom I can only assume is Mari Winsor though her identity is never revealed, probably because of death threats) guides you through a fifteen-minute routine that is designed to “sculpt your body slim,” according the promotional materials. While that may be so, I respectfully submit that weight loss probably occurs because it is difficult to eat improperly while in a coma. Within three minutes I was sweating like a Republican at a Greenpeace fundraiser, and three minutes after that I was begging for mercy. Begging. As in, “I don’t want to move my legs anymore. Please bring me morphine.”

In my own defense, my 17-year-old stepson gamely agreed to try it with us, and even he had a few choice words for Blonde Presenter Lady, normally in response to her helpful, cheery comments such as “Now, I know you’re feeling the burn back there now,” and “I know it hurts, but it’s worth it.” I would have responded as well, but I was too busy whimpering.

The part of this that makes no sense whatsoever is that rather than acting rationally and destroying the DVD after we had finished, we all had a good laugh and are planning to do it again in a few days, probably as soon as I can once again bend over and tie my shoes.

Book tally: 272 pages, 79435 words