Irrelevant Cheetah

The Universe is a big place. Really big. I mean, it’s so mind-bogglingly big that trying to wrap your brain around the concept of its bigness can make you feel, well, small.

So in this vast expanse I refuse to believe that the human race is alone as the only intelligent life form. If there aren’t others out there now, then there either have been or will be or both. Whether they’ve visited us or not is another story; all I’m concerned with is that they exist.

If they exist, then at some point they will detect our existence. Like SETI on Earth, some extraterrestrial intelligence will someday point a radio telescope at the sky and be able to watch “I Love Lucy” and “Howard Stern” and “Jackass” and know that we were here. A continuously expanding bubble of radio/light/TV waves is emanating from the planet, broadcasting our existence.

Perhaps that bubble will entice a more advanced civilization to make the journey to our galactic backwater planet and see what complete idiots ever came up with “American Idol.” If and when they do, perhaps they will read this blog, and if they do that, I’ve got a few questions for them:

Hello. Thanks for visiting. I hope you had a good trip and didn’t have to stop for too many bathroom breaks. I hear there’s a nice rest stop on Zerquod Prime. Did you have too many problems translating into your language? I hear English can sometimes be a tough language.

As I write this in the beginning part of the 21^st century after we saw fit to kill a nice guy because he was, well, too nice, I wonder what you will find. See, I’m of the opinion that those of us alive now are witnessing the fall of Western Civilization. It’s only a matter of time before somebody gets trigger happy and Homo Sapiens (that’s what we call ourselves) goes bye-bye. I just had a few questions for you – not that you’ll be able to answer them to my face, unless I finally did finish that machine I’ve been working on…

1. Where did you come from?
2. Have you been here before?
3. Who’s in charge of the planet now? I’ve got a lot of money on the cephalopods – specifically, the squid.
4. What specific thing made you decide to visit? I’m really sorry about the whole “The Osbournes” thing. Yes, he’s actually speaking English. And Rush Limbaugh is a freakin’ idiot – don’t blow us up because of him, please.
5. And last: are the Pyramids still standing? I always thought they were really cool, and I haven’t had a chance to see them yet, though it’s on my to-do list.

Well, thanks for the read. Enjoy your stay, and say hello to Dick Clark for me, would you? I’m sure he’s knocking around somewhere.