It’s cold outside today. Damn cold. Our high temperature today was 6, which isn’t even a good score if you’re in a diving competition. I really think this winter is the one I’m going to be telling my grandchildren about: “Yup! The winter of ’06, it was. Hand me my teeth, will ya? That’s a good kid. Yup, I remember that year. It got so cold our candle flames froze, and we had to hold them in our hands to thaw them out so we could keep warm.”
I got some good sleep last night, and I’m still trying to determine if that’s a good thing or not. When I get enough sleep, something strange happens. I wake up in the morning and my body says “Whoa! Hold on there, cowboy! What’s with this ‘8 hours of sleep’ nonsense? How do you expect to continue living the half-assed existence you currently live if you go getting sleep all willy-nilly?” Then the other voices in my head chime in, and it’s actually pretty entertaining.
But seriously, when the stars are in perfect alignment and I’m in bed 8 hours before it’s time to get up for work, when I wake up my brain goes into overdrive almost immediately after the first cup of java, and the ideas just fly. And then I come with sentences like that last one.
I am also more observant. Take work, for instance, and the appliances I am assigned. I’m not sure if the computer I’m currently using actually has a microprocessor inside. Based on its speed and multi-tasking ability, I think it’s actually inhabited by an obsessive-compulsive gerbil with an abacus. But it’s all I’ve got to work with because the multi-billion-dollar corporation that currently employs me cannot afford another computer for me. Luckily, when I started work this particular doorstop happened to actually power on, so I was saved from having to work the abacus myself. Have you ever tried giving Unix commands with an abacus? It’s almost as bad as trying to connect to the internet using E.T.’s ‘Phone Home’ machine. Text files aren’t too bad, as the ‘See & Say’ can interpret them all right, but JPEGs and GIFs just don’t translate well at all, and if I want to download a binary file, like a cracked version of Final Fantasy 87, it’ll take about a month. And forget YouTube.
So how did I get here? Oh, that’s right. I was talking about sleep. Did you know that the colder your room is, the more likely it is that you’ll have a bad dream? So I wonder what kind of dream I’d have if it were 6 degrees inside. Probably some nonsense about a computer and a stranded alien.
Now if I could just get my See & Say to tell my coffee maker that I want espresso…
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