Irrelevant Cheetah

When I stumbled into the kitchen this morning there was a scrap of paper on the counter covered in an almost illegible script. After managing to decipher this missive, I have decided it is something that must be shared. In the interest of fairness, it is reproduced in its entirety below:

It’s not easy being a canine. Some may argue that existence for us entails nothing but scheduled meal times, ball-chasing episodes, and of course ‘walkies.’

I beg to differ, however. After reading my owner’s latest ‘blog’ entry, I feel I simply must offer this rebuttal. I have been silent too long.

His flatuses are, to be honest, nothing short of paint-peeling. To suggest that my ‘farts’ could be used to further his world-domination schemes while his ‘farts’ smell like roses is both misleading and scandalous. My fellow canines and I have long been used as scapegoats, being blamed for our human companions’ intestinal discharges. Let the record be set straight.

As for the other accusations – namely that our lives are easy, let me offer the following arguments. I am required to bark when a strange human approaches the house. This often interferes with the complex calculations I am often computing in my head. Still, I do my duty. While it is true that I jump on the couch the second my humans’ cars are gone from the driveway, it is merely to ensure that the couch remains stationary, as it is wont to wander if left unattended. And while it is also true that I have been known to ‘take a crap’ in the middle of the hallway, as they so eloquently put it, frequent and regular bowel movements are necessary for the continued health of any living organism. I try to go before they leave the house for the day, but sometimes I need to go again, and my regrettable lack of opposable digits makes using the toilet difficult, if not impossible.

In summary, please disregard the scandalous remarks made by my human. I pray that upon reading this, he will post it in a public forum of his choosing, perhaps this ‘blog’ of which he is so fond. Thank you for your attention.

I don’t know what to say. I rather think he speaks well for himself, if perhaps a bit pretentiously. I have posted it as he requests, and will leave the verdict to you. My apologies to the dog.