To be honest, I don’t know how polygamists do it. It certainly is a unique experience to be cohabitating with two women. Once again I was sucked into an estrogen-soaked conversation as my wife and sister-in-law discussed the intimate details of their respective C-sections.
Now, I was there at my wife’s side when my son was born, so it’s not totally new to me. Nor was it horribly disgusting, although it was a little disturbing to see the doctor use a crowbar to pry open my wife’s stomach while the attending nurse was using the medical equivalent of a Shop-Vac to suck all of the amniotic fluid out of the way. I wasn’t even particularly bothered by my SIL’s relating that they literally placed her internal organs on her stomach to “get them out of the way.”
It was when they began to discuss “leakage” after the birthing process that I started struggling for air. I realize that human lactation is a natural part of giving birth. I even realize that human breast milk is a healthy, vitamin-filled nutritious food for babies.
What I didn’t realize is that it can also be used as a weapon. I couldn’t help but overhear (and believe me, I tried) that my SIL had actually squirted her husband in the eye during an argument. I think his reaction was perfectly reasonable – he screamed like a girl and dropped to the floor, grabbing uselessly for a towel.
So it hit me later that while the TSA spends its time confiscating all sorts of liquids from carry-on luggage, including (ironically enough) baby formula, they are missing the mother lode of weaponry. Any women who have given birth recently are potential time bombs, waiting to go off. I can’t speak for all men here, but if I were piloting a plane and was threatened with a shot of breast milk to the eye straight from the source, I think that woman would be flying the plane within moments.
Please consider this my patriotic duty – warning the government about possible threats to airline travel that they may have overlooked. Thanks are not necessary. I just want to keep everyone safe.
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